Thursday, September 23, 2010

Awkward Thursday

Sometimes I'm not sure where to draw the line between what to blog about, and what to keep private. Somethings are obvious, others less so. For example - do I want to have the kind of blog where I "put it all out there," or just highlights and some filtered lowlights? The blogs I enjoy reading are the former, because well, they're real, and I can relate. But at the same time, am I that brave? And if I do lay all of my crazy worries and fears and bad days out there, will I seem like a whiny baby who can't handle two good jobs and being on the precipice of financial stability, with a great partner in my life?  (you're probably like wait, that's not what you've been doing, you whiny baby?)
I guess maybe I'll try to be more real and honest on here - maybe it will be boring and complain-y and I'll stop, we'll see.
So what's on the agenda for today you ask? Is it another dose of residency application induced anxiety?  As a matter of fact, no... but anxiety nonetheless.
Right now I'm worried about what will happen if we move back to Texas. A lot of this has to do with the constant beating myself up about how I've acted in the past, particularly in high school. And how I felt like I never fit in. Why most of my memories are about high school right now, and not like, dental school, which was much more recent - and although stressful, was awesome because I made the best friends anyone could ask for, is beyond me. I think about what a jerk kid I was in high school, how I should have been nicer, and less like, well, a high school kid. I shouldn't have thought cheerleading was so important, I should have flossed. I don't know, I should have done a lot of things differently. I was really self-conscious, and I was always worried that I was different.  If we move back, even though I'm 10 years older, I still have a lot of the same hang-ups. Not the least of which is an uncomfortability with the Bible Belt. I'm not religious, although I do try to have some kind of spiritual pursuit. But nonetheless, that's a big part of my fear going back. In Massachusetts I feel like I fit in, some of the things that used to make me uncomfortable are a non-issue here. All of the women my age are doing similar things to what I'm doing. What if we move home and decide to have children? It wasn't even a week ago that I was contemplating the material benefits of not having children so that I could buy more things... so lets be serious, we're not there yet... but in the future.  Will they feel weird that they don't have a mom will be home with them? Will my kids be less secure because I work? Will I be able to do fun things with them and make them feel special and loved, or will I be too tired from work? Lets not even start with the can of worms in the "what if I'm too old by the time I'm ready to have kids" flavor. Right now I can barely make dinner. Last night my husband was walking around and said "what happened to our house?" in a quiet murmur to himself, because its so messy. Of course, I got super mad at him and guilted him into cleaning the kitchen just for mentioning the obvious outloud.   Then of course, what if someone from a Texas pediatric program somehow reads this and doesn't want me because not only am I obviously flawed, but I'm down on the Lone Star State? (Even though HELLO! One of those programs is one of my most hoped for ones. Please ask me for an interview.) Speaking of which...
on the upside, this anxiety is distracting me from my application anxiety, and I have the aforementioned two more applications I'm sending out during my lunch hour. I figure with this much effort some program somewhere will take me. And please, spare me the "think positive!"'s. That will earn you a positive kick in the ass.


  1. i feel the same way. i didnt know who i was at all in high school, and esp college. i feel like i always seemed so peppy. i probably do still seem peppy. i dont mean to be, and i really want to seem more real. and i hate starting over. i hate starting over and i always feel so awkward and out of place and weird. and not smart enough or cute enough or normal enough. i feel like if you move back, people will be really excited to see you and i dont think you were anything but kind and gorgeous and fun in high school. just sayin'.

  2. Kristen - I think you might be one of the nicest people I've ever met in my life. I hope if we move back that I get to see you and your little tots. and I think people said the same things about YOU in high school! Thank you for the kind comment.