First things first, magically transform your house from cluttered and messy to clean and pristine.
This is easy. Just call Mary Poppins and have her over for a little showtune. Before you know it the place has cleaned itself. If the little ditty you write and sing out your window to summon Mary P. fails to lead her to your door, just run around and gather all of the crap in your arms and throw it behind your bedroom door. Then open it just enough to where it looks like that room is also nice and organized. Perfect!
Next, make a basket of Massachusetts inspired snacks (or wherever you may live,) for your special visitor. Take a picture of it and put it on your blog so everyone can see how wonderful you are, (lest anyone ever contest this fact.)
Now, make reservations at the fanciest restaurant in town. These are easy to come by in a recession, and you can compensate for the bill by eating only boxes of macaroni and cheese that your grandma gave you until the next time you get paid.
Then, you can pretend that every weekend you go to a special butcher to get a butterflied boneless leg of lamb. For kicks, marinade with stuffing at midnight the night before your special meal, as the recipe you got off the Good Morning America website calls for.
No food processor, no problem! Just use your blender and hope for the best.
Next, invite your French friend to this special lunch. You can be assured that he'll bring some kind of fancy dish, and keep up interesting conversation that makes it seem as though you too are cultured and worldly by association. Also, his naivete of certain American idioms will lead to lessened probability of insult by controversial conversational topics. Then afterwards he'll clean your kitchen in an attempt to be polite. Bonus!
And there you have it... just follow these easy steps to make your in-law visit a blessing. Take care, and good luck.