Wednesday, March 2, 2011

How to go to jury duty

a few weeks ago I was summoned to jury duty, our civic obligation. I thought I'd share with you my experience, as well as a few helpful tips for those of you who may not look forward to it with as much gusto as I did.

1. Get there early so that you have enough time to find AND pay for parking.

 Its your great Amercian privilege!

2. Make sure you wear an outfit that says "I'd be best selected for a one day trial in which I would be named Madame Foreperson, and would henceforce proclaim: 'we the jury, find you GUILTY!'"

3. When you get to the room where the jury waits, remember, chair selection is critical. You will be sitting next to these people all day.

4. If someone annoying or weird sits next to you, ie, someone who is playing heavy metal with some handheld audio device without headphones, drive them away with a crunchy snack, such as Cheetos.

Which brings me to my next point.

5. It is best advised to bring healthy snacks to enjoy whilst you wait.

6. However, if you plow through those, make sure you have ample change for the everready vending machine.
Mmmm, Twizzlers!

7. Bring reading materials, put the impressive ones on top of the stack so that you look smart. Note: bring a Bible if you're worried about getting selected.

8. And spend the rest of your free time perfecting your serious expression, just in case you end up sitting in the front row of the jury box.

And there you have it!

I was nearly selected, but asked to be excused because it was a longer trial, and if I don't go to work I don't get paid... and nothing forms a bias like sitting in a jury box missing my paying workday because Muffy and Buffy from Expensivetown, MA are suing a luxury manufacturer for their luxury piece of crap that they don't like as much as they'd hoped.  Thankfully the judge excused me and thanked me for my service. You're welcome Massachusetts!

And may your jury duty be as blessed as mine.


  1. i was called on st. patrick's day last year, so i wore a guinness t-shirt SPECIFICALLY so i would be deemed unfit to judge my peers. also, at the advice of my legal counsel, the form i filled out included a story about how it was impossible for me to trust men because of a prior traumatic experience. dismissing me immediately should have been in the bag... except that it was a drunk driving charge brought against an older man, so both sides wanted me for different reasons. le sigh.

    democracy in action.

  2. Hilarious, diz. Was dismissed by plaintiff side on lawsuit over electr escalator suddenly stopping, sending elderly person NOT holding handrail sprawling. Wore 3 piece biz suit. Detroit. 'nuff said.
    Went on jury where defendant only one that knew where charcoal lighter was and who admitted to calling from payphone in hallway of his tenement housing to threaten defendant if she pressed charges for grand larceny as her auto was worth (barely) over 500 clams. Smooth defense lawyer argued that 'I'll burn you and all your babies' on that payphone was just talk, and in Detroit, surely is (was). Moronic fellow jurors felt there was 'insufficient evidence'.
    Love from the dad and the mom.
    ps thanx for the light moments!